The price of stability for me is filled with daily medicine, therapy, weight gain, doctor appointments, blood draws, hair loss, and more. And being stable doesn’t mean I don’t still have manic and depressive episodes, just means they are less often and less severe. But I wouldn’t change it for the world.
When I was first diagnosed with bipolar disorder I was placed on Lithium. Lithium is a mood stabilizer. For me, Lithium was a savior for a while by itself but only for a little while. I still struggled with depression and found myself trying different medicine to go with the Lithium to help. Also with Lithium I found myself getting blood draws every few months.
I finally found a combo that worked, for a while. I let the denial get the better of me, convinced myself I was fine and didn’t need medicine after all. With Covid happening shortly after I quit my medicine cold turkey.
I went on a downward spiral. And when I say I crashed I crashed. I had a manic episode. That lasted for months. I blew through thousands of dollars. And I started drinking more often. Many many sleepless nights. Untold amounts of paranoia. I thought everyone was out to get me. I would make up scenarios in my head and then think they were real. I was quick tempered. I eventually started coming down and realized maybe I needed help. I finally was starting to accept being labeled Bipolar.
Back to the doctor I went. And was put back on the Lithium. Then I started the dance of finding what worked for me medicine wise. I remember trying countless cocktails. Then I had a depressive episode. One where I started shutting everyone out. I isolated myself, the paranoia came back. I felt like a burden to my family. A horrible mom to my kids. I was lucky this time, I had a moment of clarity and asked for help.
After my days inpatient the cocktails trails continued. Until I tried Seroquel. I finally found my Cocktail. Lithium, Seroquel, and an antidepressant. After months of trying, I found something that finally gave me stability. Now the ups and downs are manageable.
My stability has given me my life back. I am compliant with my medicine. I feel like I’m a better mother. A better daughter. A better friend. Yes I do still have ups and downs, but they aren’t as severe and I have become more open and accepting of help. I go to therapy regularly. I see my doctor every three months. I go to my blood draws and I ask for help if I need it. I can honestly say without my support system, the therapy, and medicine, I would not be here today. I have found a cocktail that works for me.
Don’t be afraid to reach out and ask for help. Do not think it is a sign of weakness. Asking for help is a sign of your courage! You are not alone, whether it be depression, anxiety, bipolar, or many more. Mental health is a disease, just like strep throat or the flu. Don’t be afraid to find your stability, whether that includes medicine, therapy, or a good support system. No one should be ashamed for admitting they need a little help to get there.
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