Swings

No one tells you about how bad the mood swings can be with bipolar. No one tells you how many times you might lose yourself to your mind. No one tells you how bad you treat yourself. No one prepares you for the constant up and down, even with medication.

I am the first to admit that I am not the smartest, I am human. I make mistakes, stupid desicions. Add in a mental illness, and sometimes what seems like a normal easy decision, turns into another mistake. Like shopping sprees, or excessive sexual relationships. 

Now this is something I don’t like to talk about, or make excuses for. I can say I was young and dumb, I can admit that I didn’t make smart choices. But nothing will change the fact that when I was unmedicated I made quick decisions that I can’t take back. Decisions, that thankfully, haven’t caused me further issues.

You see, no one talks about how mania can affect your decision making. Or how when you're so low, you will do anything to make yourself feel better. Even if that is only temporary. You do everything to make other people happy, because you think they will stay and make you happy. In reality, it leads to an even deeper spiral. 

I have been called multiple things. I have done things I am not proud of during an episode. But my actions while manic or depressed do not and never will define me. I have slept around more than I care to admit. I have also repressed into myself so much that I didn’t talk to anyone for months. I have let people take advantage of me, I have been humiliated, but that doesn’t change who I am as a person. 

No one tells you about on top of the world you can be. How nothing bad can happen to you when you are that manic. No one tells you that when the tables turn, and you start to realize all that you have done, how that catapults you into depression. Then it takes all of your energy to get out of bed, put on a happy face, go to work, come home even more exhausted, and just crawl back into your safe place. 

For me, my safe space is my couch. I silence my phone. And I hide from the world. I neglect myself. Dry shampoo becomes my best friend, hiding the fact that I can’t even stand in a shower. Trash and laundry pile up, I just don’t have the energy to even think about doing laundry. But then even looking at the mess makes me feel even worse. All I want to do is just sink into my couch and disappear. 

How do you even try to explain to someone what you are going through? The highs and lows. How you feel like you can fly, but the next thing you know you are crashing into the ground so hard you feel like you just want to disappear? How alone you feel? How much of a burden you are to your friends and family.

I struggle daily, I have alarms for medicine. I keep my routine. But even then sometimes it’s not enough. I still swing up and down, even with medication. Knowing I have a strong support system helps. Therapy helps. But being able to voice my thoughts, put my feelings out there for the world to see. 

This blog has helped me so much. I feel like I am learning how to express myself again. I want to show people they aren’t alone in their struggle with mental illness. I want to help end the stigma. This is my escape, and I hope that someday, this can be more people’s escape.