Tis the Season

The holidays for me are always a “trigger.” I watch other people decorate and always smiling, and I judge myself for not doing enough. I see my mothers house just decked out. It screams christmas and cheer. And I haven’t even put up a tree yet. And then the guilt hits me. Am I not trying hard enough?

I try so hard around the holidays, probably too hard. I try to smile and put on a face. I don’t talk about how all I want to do is crawl and bed and beat myself up. Am I doing enough? Did I buy enough? Will people be disappointed? Am I disappointing everyone?

How do you explain to people that the holidays are hard on your mental health? It’s supposed to be the happiest time of the year. But I am not alone. Plenty of other people suffer in silence around the holidays as well. But no one wants to bring everyone else down.

I struggle daily in general, but this time of year is rough on me. But I also work extra hard this time of year, because I don’t want to bring anyone else down. I journal, I write this blog, I go to therapy. I tell my story, not just to help others, but because it helps me. By writing how I feel and my experience, it helps tremendously.

I encourage anyone struggling at this time to reach out. To a family member, friend, pastor, a hotline, or even on here. Sometimes just writing it out and knowing you aren’t alone helps more than you would think. I have been there, I still sometimes go there, I understand completely. 

If you are struggling with suicidal thoughts, please reach out to the Suicide Hotline at 800-273-8255. Or the chat line at https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org.

Or the Crisis Text Line text HOME to 741741.