When Life Gives You Lemons

  We have all heard the whole phrase, “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade,” but what most people don’t remember is you still need sugar. I received some news that I am still processing. Still not sure how to feel about the news. As if the year hasn’t thrown me enough curve balls this year, now I need hearing aids.

The emotions running through me are honestly shocking. A big feeling is just embarrassment. At times, I already feel like a freak. Being bipolar has taught me one thing, that most people are judgemental. And now I will have something that people can visually see to judge me for.

For me, it’s more the paranoia of being judged. I try to live my life perfectly, but the truth is, my life is far from perfect. I fear being judged. Of people assuming the worst of me because of my mental illness. I’m not just Brittany, but I am also not just my bipolar. I am also a mother, girlfriend, nurse, friend, and so much more.

I want people to see me for all of who I am. But with the stigma surrounding mental illness, that will never happen. I will always be known as the “crazy girl.” I want this to change. By writing my story, by being open and honest about my struggles and battles. I want people to see me, all of me, and realize I am just like everyone else. Sometimes I just struggle a little more.

I see the world differently. Some days I see the world with crisp eyes. The colors are brighter, clearer. I feel on top of the world, like anything is possible. I could conquer the world, write a book. The thoughts are fast, I can’t keep up. 

Other days, I see the world as drab. Shapes moving about, doing mundane tasks. Colors are dull. I feel alone in a crowd. I don’t want to get out of bed. My thoughts are slow and jumbled together. Low energy to no energy. 

And then sometimes, just normal days. Normal energy, normal colors, normal thoughts. No hyperfocus. No depression. Just a regular day.

Mental illness is not one size fits all. And some days, people don’t even realize the battle others are going through. It could be your neighbor, coworker, best friend, maybe even you. But we shouldn’t be afraid to speak out. Nobody should feel alone in a crowd. The stigma of mental illness needs to be brought down, to escape from feeling trapped in our bodies.

If you are having suicidal thoughts or in crisis in the US, please reach out to the 988 Lifeline. Call or text 988 or visit 988lifeline.org/chat to chat with a caring counselor.