Hospitals

 

I hate hospitals! I absolutely can’t stand them. You can’t get a wink of sleep. Poked and prodded. Vitals every 4 hours. And don’t even get me started on hospital food. But the hospital is where I currently find myself. I found myself in the ER not long ago. Convinced that I was being silly, but a part of me worried. So, I talked myself into going to the ER. 

What a lot of people don’t know is that some of the medication used bipolar, has some serious side effects. And one of the medications I have been on is: Lithium. Lithium is a mood stabilizer. The problem with Lithium is that to be effective it has to be in a window of 0.6-1.2. But if you go over 1.2 that's when the problems arise. And anything 2.0 and up is dangerous.

I found out my Lithium level is over 2.0. The symptoms of Lithium toxicity are nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, fatigue, muscle weakness, tremors, and confusion just to name a few. And these symptoms are what led me to the ER. Thankfully I went to the ER before serious injury could occur.

 Then I found myself alone in the hospital. Having to call and tell everyone I had to be admitted. Then I had to listen to the nurse call it an overdose. I corrected her, and she said that’s what it is, but I couldn’t help but feel a certain way about having it called an overdose. As someone who has overdosed before it almost made me feel guilty. Like it was my fault. Of course I didn’t want to ruffle any feathers, so I didn’t say anything. 

But looking back, it was definitely a trigger for me. And I didn’t know how to express that at that moment. But, would it have even made a difference? Even with advances in the medical field, sometimes it feels like the terminology is a bit barbaric. Deep down I know my medical team knew I didn’t do it to myself, but part of me felt like I was being judged. 

For me, sometimes I don’t know what’s in my head and what is reality. So, how do I tell the difference? Honestly, sometimes I can’t tell the difference. Which plays into my paranoia. How do I not let the paranoia get to me? Well, I have a support system that, when I utilize it, usually helps keep my thoughts in check.

All of this is to say that sometimes I feel like medical terminology can sometimes cause more damage to the patient, especially in patients that have psych issues. We already get treated differently by some medical staff, and then to hear that I OD, when I didn’t, can at times be triggering. 

Times need to change. Mental health needs a reboot in how patients are treated. We aren’t crazy, oftentimes we are alone and scared and just want help. I just want to be treated like everyone else. Not left in a waiting room for hours with visible symptoms to be treated. Sometimes, my symptoms aren’t just in my head and I have a medical reason for being in the ER.