Manic Moments

  Recently I read Wishful Drinking by Carrie Fisher. I absolutely fell in love with this book. I read it in a day, I just couldn’t put it down. Carrie Fisher has been an idol of mine for a few years now. Even though she sadly passed away in 2016, I always admired how open she was with her struggles.

I have always been impressed with how open and honest Carrie Fisher was with her mental illness and addiction struggles, honestly everyone that can be open like that impresses me. I always wished that I would have that level of confidence in myself to share my struggles openly and let others know they aren’t alone.

I personally struggled a lot with my bipolar diagnosis. I absolutely rejected it at first. I refused to believe that I needed medication. I refused to take medication. I refused all help. I went from highs to lows. Had many ups and downs. Still have my ups and downs.

I struggle with mostly my depression. Mania is usually welcomed with open arms.I get more done. I see things differently. I feel more creative. Unfortunately, my mania also comes with more drinking, less sleeping, and a mind all over the place. I clean more, I do more. But I also struggle. 

I am struggling from not sleeping. I spend money I don’t have. I stop taking my medicine because in my mind I feel better so I don’t need it. This is when I become dangerous. I take risks. I make mistakes. Sometimes I’m not the best mother. I rely on the support of my family and friends to talk some sense into me.

Sometimes that means sending my kids to stay with family. And being open and honest with my doctor. To Be honest, I stopped my medicine. To Be honest, I’m manic. That I’m not being safe.

Manic moments for me are not fun. They aren’t something that I feel comfortable joking about. They can be dangerous. I feel on top of the world. I feel like nothing bad will ever happen  to me. I take unnecessary risks. All the bad falls away and I feel free. But that is when I become dangerous to myself. The extra risks, the not paying bills. You get the idea. 

These times are when I need to become more open and honest with my doctors, because after the mania comes the crushing depression. I am slowly working on being more open with my doctor. Setting reminders on my phone to take medicine so I don't forget. Together with the support of my family, friends, therapist, and doctors I am starting to be better. Baby steps in the right direction.

Let's Get Talking

  Suicidal ideation. Not a topic a lot of people want to talk about. Most people don’t want to hear about it. No one knows how someone truly feels. What someone is going through. You get asked how you are, most people answer I’m fine. 

I know that is what I do. People check in, and I say I’m fine. When in reality I can be in so much pain that it physically hurts. Mentally I am a mess. I am holding on for dear life and feel like I can’t tell anyone. This rollercoaster I’m on doesn’t stop. I’m up and I’m down. But I always feel like I should tell everyone I’m fine.

Why is that? Why do I feel like the stigma of mental health is getting worse? We don’t know what other people are going through, so do we just assume someone else has it worse and keep it all bottled up? Are we taking steps backwards? In the midst of a mental health crisis do you have a plan? 

Recently, I took some time off work. I had a mental health crisis and didn’t say anything until it was almost too late. With everything going on in my life, I felt like I couldn’t talk to anyone. No one wants to mention the word suicide, no one wants to think their friend, family member, or significant other is in a rough spot and needs extra help. And this is why we need to normalize talking about mental health.

If it hadn’t been for me finally breaking down and telling my boyfriend I needed help I don’t know what I would have done or what would have happened to me. But when I finally said I needed help I got the help I needed. 

After working with my doctor and therapist I am finally in a more stable place. I may not be 100% yet, but I will get there. Without finally opening up about my suicidal thoughts I could of hurt myself. I was so worried about being judged by others I kept it all locked in. I felt lost and alone.

This is why the stigma of mental health and mental illness needs to be stopped. Everyone should feel able to be open with how they are doing. No one should suffer alone. But when the thoughts get too much, reach out for help. Remember you are not alone. Be open and honest, get the help you need, the help you deserve.

Until more people are talking about normalizing these conversations the stigma will remain. Being open and honest for feeling this way does not make you weak. But reaching out for help makes you strong. Together we can help end the stigma around mental health. Start the conversations today. 

If you or someone you know is having suicidal thoughts please call or text 988 the Suicide and Crisis hotline.

Today I Feel

 Today I feel….

Recently I took up journaling. Something that I have started and stopped over and over again. My therapist suggested it. Even if all I write is one word sentences. She suggested starting with, “Today I feel…” And off I go. Happy, sad, afraid, or angry.

Sometimes I get more in depth, sometimes all I can get out is that one sentence. Most of the time it’s sad. I can’t seem to shake this recent bout of depression. I had a short stint of mania, and ran through about two thousand dollars. Then the crushing depression that I just can’t seem to shake. It feels like it's always there. Haunting me. 

Then it’s multiple doctor appointments. Changing up medicine. More visits. All the while trying to figure out how to journal. How to put my thoughts on paper. How to express myself and have it make sense. Most of the time it ends up as rambling. But it’s out on paper.

Sometimes I feel like the monster won’t let me go, other days I have hope. The good days keep me going. Keep the suicidal thoughts at bay. The bad days though, it’s all I can do to keep them from consuming me.

Recently I find myself thinking more and more that this is my life, I have to find a way to cope. I pick up hobbies, journaling, crafting, and writing as my outlets. This blog is my way to reach out, let people know they aren’t alone. That you never know what someone is going through.

Be open and honest with each other. If you can’t then journal, write it out. Write out the pain, the joy, the anger, or what you are afraid of. Do whatever you need to do. Find someone to talk to. Pick up a pen and write. Reach out. You are not alone. Even if it’s just one sentence. Today I feel…

If you or someone you know are experiencing suicidal thoughts do not me afraid to reach out. Call or text 988. Or text the crisis text line at 741741.