Loneliness

Loneliness to me is a hard emotion to feel. I hate being alone, and it’s worse when I feel alone even around other people. Depression symptoms for me usually starts with the feeling of loneliness. I crave the need to be seen, even though the mere thought of being around other people feels to overwhelming.

It usually starts with feeling alone at work. Even with all those people there, it feels like no one sees me. Then, it starts to happen at home. I feel alone in my own house, even with my fiancé and kids running around. It feels like no one really cares, even though they constantly tell me how much they love me. It’s almost like I feel invisible.

I feel like no one hears what I have to say. No is listening to me when I tell them what I need. Eventually, I just fall into the loneliness, I stop fighting it away and just sit in it. I start pushing people away, which just makes the loneliness worse, but I can’t stand being in a crowd either. I just want to sit at home and be alone.

So, how do I overcome the loneliness, the depression? I start by being honest and admitting to myself how I am feeling. This is the hardest step, because even though I have other people telling me that they are worried about me, I don’t want to admit to having a problem. I still just want to sit in the loneliness. Not feeling anything else.

Taking the first step in admitting something is wrong will always be the hardest step for me. At times I can admit it quickly and get help, whether it be talking with a therapist or getting a medication change, but the times I don’t admit it quickly, it can take a dark turn. The problem I have is that I’m hard headed. I hate admitting something is wrong.

I don’t like admitting something is wrong, because that means admitting I need help. Which shouldn’t be considered a bad thing right? Yet, it is still judged. That is why I try to speak openly about my mental illness, so maybe the next time I admit I need help, I don’t wait so long to ask. 

The stigma about needing help for your brain needs to go. We, as a society, are getting better about it every day, but we aren’t there yet. If more people get talking then maybe we can get there quicker. So, lets get talking, be open and honest. And if you need a little extra help, don’t be stubborn. Just ask.

Disappointment

Disappointment is the sadness or displeasure caused by the nonfulfillment of one’s hopes or expectations. Everyone reacts differently to disappointment. For some people it can fill like the end of the world, for others it might just be a minor inconvenience. 

When it comes to disappointment for me, it feels like the end of the world. I struggle to see the bright side of anything. I slowly start to drown in “what ifs.” I enter the pit of despair with no way out. I can’t see the bright side of anything.

Something as little as my fiancé forgetting an important date or as big as bad news from the doctor could have me up all night. I let it grow and grow until I’m in the pit of despair. Researching or irritable or just plain depressed. I honestly just don’t handle disappointment well.

I can only share my experience, I can’t speak for everyone, but what I find that helps is talking about my feelings. I share my disappointment with a trusted person and we sit and talk everything through. If I’m lucky they can talk me out of my tailspin, but sometimes I still spiral.

When I spiral it’s hard to talk me down. I imagine the worst case scenarios. My disappointment in every day life seem to hit harder. Now I don’t know if it has anything to do with my bipolar or if it’s just me, but handling disappointment is hard. 

We forget that everyone is human and makes mistakes, or that sometimes life is just hard. As much as we hope for something to happen, sometimes life has other ideas. I feel like a lot of times I’m in fight or flight mode just waiting for bad news when life is going great. Then, as soon as something happens and I’m disappointed I justify how I have been feeling/acting.

If your are lucky, like me, though you have someone close that you can talk to about what you are feeling. Maybe they can remind you that not everything is bad and that sometimes disappointment is a good thing. For example, maybe you were just told you had bipolar disorder, you might feel disappointed or shame, but having that trusted person can tell you the bright side of things. Like how Carrie Fisher was also bipolar and led a wonderful life once stable. 

It took me a long time to accept my bipolar diagnosis. I was very disappointed with myself. I remember thinking, “why can’t I just be normal.” Looking back now though, I’m stable, I have a career, I have beautiful children, and I have a platform that I can talk to people about mental illness and help end the stigma surrounding it. Don’t get me wrong, it took a long time to get here and sometimes I still stumble, but I remind myself that I am strong and with a little help can overcome life’s disappointments.

So, find your trusted person, don’t keep it bottled up, talk it out. Maybe then we can handle disappointment just a little bit easier. And with bipolar, sometimes easier is just what’s needed. Don’t let life pass you by with all the what ifs. Just live.

Misery

 

I know I have been out of commission for a while, and for that I apologize. Between grief and a new job and just the ups and downs of being bipolar, keeping up with the blog went on the back burner. I needed to work through everything and get my head back in the game. So I could come back stronger than ever.

Misery loves company, and for the past 10 months misery was my best friend. Unfortunately, I was also bringing everyone close to me down as well. I was stuck in a vicious cycle of depression and couldn’t find my way out. I was literally drowning in my misery.

After being told countless times that I needed to see the doctor I finally did. With a simple medication adjustment I am slowly starting to come out of my misery. Don’t get me wrong, after 10 months I was pretty comfortable in my misery. I had to put in the work to finally dig myself up, but I’m so glad I did.

While stuck in my misery I forgot how much I enjoy writing, reading, baking, even family game night. I went to work and came home and sat on my couch. Ignoring all responsibilities, sometimes even skipping work. I was just existing in misery. I was missing my Dad. I was overwhelmed with my new job. I was feeling like a failure in all areas of my life, especially as a parent.

I was literally sucking the life out of my family. I had no idea how much my mood was affecting them. My oldest was becoming more anxious, my youngest was being defiant, and I was taking my bad mood out on my fiance. Pushing everyone away, thinking it was just me in my misery. I didn’t realize I was literally pulling everyone down with me.

I know what you are thinking, I should know better by now. I can’t sit in my misery and expect everyone else to not notice or be affected. Here’s the thing though, I thought I was hiding it, but instead it was coming out with my short temper or just sitting in front of the TV doing nothing, and everyone was noticing. I was letting my life pass me by and missing out on all the good things.

So, I talked with my doctor, had a medication adjustment and started being honest with myself about how I was feeling. I slowly started journaling again and was able to freely express myself. I started talking to my fiance again, instead of arguing. I started listening to my kids and being there for them again. Slowly the misery is fading, and I’m getting my life back together. Hopefully next time, the misery won’t take over.

That’s where I am at. Still learning day by day. Taking it day by day. If we all learn to not just sit in misery, maybe we will be just a little bit stronger. Maybe we can remain stable. Confront depression and not let it consume us. Take a step back and observe what we are doing and think rationally. Maybe even talk with a therapist and get an outside perspective. Anything that will help is a step in the right direction.