Loneliness

Loneliness to me is a hard emotion to feel. I hate being alone, and it’s worse when I feel alone even around other people. Depression symptoms for me usually starts with the feeling of loneliness. I crave the need to be seen, even though the mere thought of being around other people feels to overwhelming.

It usually starts with feeling alone at work. Even with all those people there, it feels like no one sees me. Then, it starts to happen at home. I feel alone in my own house, even with my fiancé and kids running around. It feels like no one really cares, even though they constantly tell me how much they love me. It’s almost like I feel invisible.

I feel like no one hears what I have to say. No is listening to me when I tell them what I need. Eventually, I just fall into the loneliness, I stop fighting it away and just sit in it. I start pushing people away, which just makes the loneliness worse, but I can’t stand being in a crowd either. I just want to sit at home and be alone.

So, how do I overcome the loneliness, the depression? I start by being honest and admitting to myself how I am feeling. This is the hardest step, because even though I have other people telling me that they are worried about me, I don’t want to admit to having a problem. I still just want to sit in the loneliness. Not feeling anything else.

Taking the first step in admitting something is wrong will always be the hardest step for me. At times I can admit it quickly and get help, whether it be talking with a therapist or getting a medication change, but the times I don’t admit it quickly, it can take a dark turn. The problem I have is that I’m hard headed. I hate admitting something is wrong.

I don’t like admitting something is wrong, because that means admitting I need help. Which shouldn’t be considered a bad thing right? Yet, it is still judged. That is why I try to speak openly about my mental illness, so maybe the next time I admit I need help, I don’t wait so long to ask. 

The stigma about needing help for your brain needs to go. We, as a society, are getting better about it every day, but we aren’t there yet. If more people get talking then maybe we can get there quicker. So, lets get talking, be open and honest. And if you need a little extra help, don’t be stubborn. Just ask.